There is a difference between liking someone and loving someone. You might like your next door neighbor Bob, but maybe you don’t love him. You might like your favorite bartender Pam, but you probably don’t love her. There are things you are willing to do for the people you actually love that are much different from things you might do for someone you just like.

For example, your mom might drive you nuts and hurt your feelings sometimes when she says things and insists that she’s “just trying to help.” But you love her. No matter how mad you feel after hearing her uninvited criticisms, you know that you still love her and would do anything for her. Because you love her. No matter what.

Your best friend has been there beside you through thick and thin. You know embarrassing stories about each other and have secrets between only you two. You’re more like siblings than two people who were once strangers and then became best friends over time. You’d do absolutely anything for this person. Because you love them. No matter what.

You would never say harsh things or sling insults at someone you truly love. And you would never sit by and let them say terrible things about themselves, like how they’re such a failure, they’re no good at anything, they’re fat and ugly and disgusting and don’t deserve to be happy because of all the mistakes they’ve made.

So why do you do those things to yourself?

What is Self Love?

Self Love is often thrown around the internet with inspirational quotes or cute Pinterest photos. But there is no real, clear explanation of what the heck it actually is (and what it isn’t). Self Love is often confused for Self Care, which is related to Self Love but is a completely different thing. Understanding Self Love will help you figure out why it matters and how to do it. So let’s start with a relatable working definition:

Self Love is acknowledging that you are imperfect and believing that you deserve love, respect, and acceptance anyway.

• Self Love is not about doing a certain list of activities you find on Pinterest. It comes down to your core beliefs about life and your place in it.

Self Care is doing anything that makes You feel genuinely good about You, for the simple sake of doing something good for you.

• Self Care is not about doing things to impress others, to punish others, or to make others jealous. It has nothing to do with anyone else but You.

There are plenty of other things you may be wondering about: compassion, forgiveness, patience, etc. These things will come in time, after you begin practicing Self Love. They will be the natural byproducts of your Self Love practice. How great is that--less things for you to think about how to do.

Some will argue that you can practice self compassion in times when you aren’t feeling love for yourself. I disagree. If you hate yourself and believe that you’re a terrible, disgusting turd of a person, then you can’t possibly practice Self Compassion. 

Self Compassion cannot exist without Self Love. 

Think about it: if you thought someone else was a terrible, disgusting turd of a person, would you be able to exercise compassion for them? Nope, because you would be too busy criticizing and judging them. The same is true of yourself. Self Compassion is a ripple effect that occurs when you practice Self Love. Self Love is the foundation. 

True Love

Think about how Love works. You won’t always FEEL love every single minute of every day for your partner. Sometimes you may even FEEL like you hate them. Real Love is when you make the decision every single day to CHOOSE your partner, for better or worse. Real Love is when you are so fed up with them saying or doing annoying things that you feel like pulling your hair out, but you still make the decision to CHOOSE your partner anyway because they have so many wonderful qualities that you are willing to overlook their shortcomings that are currently on display. 

Real Love doesn’t just evaporate because unpleasant situations come up. 

Self Love works the same way. Some days you aren’t going to FEEL like you love yourself, but you KNOW that you still love yourself even though you may not love what you are doing/saying/thinking in that moment.

Loving yourself is much different than liking yourself. You might like your hair one day, you might like how you handled a difficult conversation at work, or you might like that you felt good after doing something nice for a stranger. But if you’re still saying terrible things to yourself every day--things that you would never in a million years speak out loud to any other human on the planet--then you don’t love yourself. Heck, in that case, you probably only barely like yourself.

Core Beliefs

The confusion of understanding how to love yourself comes from two false core beliefs that nearly all of us learn either directly or indirectly during childhood:

1. Love is scarce.

2. Love is conditional.

When you believe those two things about Love, you’re very cautious about giving love to others. Not only that, but it also makes you very cautious about receiving love from others (oh snap!!). 

Think about it. If you go around thinking that Love is conditional and that you only deserve love if you speak and act in precisely the right ways, then how likely are you to be able to give love to others? And how likely are you to believe it when other people try to give you love? 

Makes it pretty tough going either way, doesn’t it?

But the truth is, Love is unconditional. There are plenty of other things that might look like or sound like love, but real Love is unconditional. It doesn’t matter if you’re having a fat day, or if you can’t parallel park, or if you lose your temper. You still deserve Love. 

Basic differences between Self Love and Self Care

Self Love:

Accepting yourself as you are, knowing you have flaws, weaknesses, and imperfections, but also knowing that you still deserve love, respect, and have value - no matter what. 

This is a practice that is reflected in your day by day (sometimes moment by moment) decisions. 

For example, if you truly Love someone, you accept them even though you know they make mistakes, have annoying habits, or sometimes say the wrong thing. You give them space to be imperfect and you show them compassion when they mess up, always reminding them that they are still worthy of love even though things didn’t go perfectly.

This is called Unconditional Love, meaning you love them even though drive you nuts sometimes or act a fool sometimes. Self Love will become uncondtional love for yourself once you continue to practice it.

Self Care:

Doing kind, nice, friendly things for yourself that make you feel good about yourself down into core being. 

These are things that you do, not because you want to impress others, punish others, or make others jealous, but instead they are to help You feel good about You. They make you feel good about you even though no one else is around to give you kudos for doing them.

For example, you may choose to study a subject that genuinely interests you instead of something your family wants you to study. Or maybe you accept an invitation to an event but choose to stay only an hour because you know you need some extra time to rest and recharge.

What is the real difference between Self Love and Self Care?

You can practice acts of Self Care without truly loving yourself unconditionally. However, you cannot practice Self Love without practicing Self Care. So Self Care can be done without Self Love, but Self Love can not be done without Self Care. They are related, but different. Like pinto beans and kidney beans!

Now that we have working definitions for Self Love and Self Care, let’s talk dive into the details further. Check out this article next!

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